Being transgendered

First things first. 
I want to tell you all that I’m not really good with words, so please bare with me.
So, I have had a secret for many, many years.
Some of you already know, some are suspecting it, and for others it’s a complete surpise.I am a FTM Transgender.
I have been presenting myself as a girly woman to the world my entire life, while I knew I was a guy on the inside.

Let me tell my story.

When I was a young girl, I had a wonderfull youth. I didn’t thought about gender identity at all. I didn’t really thought about it until I was around the age of 12. Though when I was around the age of 6 I already had some thoughts that were different from other girls. I knew I was different, but didn’t know what it was. When I discovered I wanted to be a guy I was afraid. I didn’t know what to do. I thought I was crazy. I was afraid what people would say when they would know. I thought it might be a phase, because I was so young. How could I know?But when I learned about what a transgender was, I was terrified.
I knew how much suffering and judgement a transgender had to go through to gain the body they desired, and I knew I didn’t want to go through that suffering.
I shoved the idea that I was trans to the back of my mind and continued to pretend I was a girl, believing that living would be easier if I just faked my way through it.For years I unhappily behaved like a typical girl because I recognized this as “normal” despite always having a lingering desire to be like a boy. But still I thought it might be a phase, when I was at the age of 15. I discovered new music, got to know new friends and discovered other clothing styles. I thought it might go away when I would just dress differently. So, I decided to wear more skater/alto/gothic styled clothing. Having worn this style for some years I knew this wasn’t it. I still knew I was a guy. I still felt like that.Being a transgender means alot of pain, worries, alot of fear and insecurity to me.
Alot of shame towards myself (What is going on with me, and why?)
Pain from how I look, pain because nobody really sees me. Pain from every time I’m being called ‘Miss’, everytime when I shower, getting dressed and see my reflection I’m reminded of the person that I’m not. Worrying about what to do with myself. How to get through the day. How to act, how to dress. How could I ever show others the real me, when I don’t look like me at all?

I thought I didn’t had any choice, so I decided to just dress as a girl, by wearing dresses and skirts. It really became a secret, that absolutely nobody must know. Nobody can know how I feel, and nobody knows who I really am.  How could I possibly tell them that I was a guy, when I obviously looked like a girl?  And a very girly one as well for that matter. I must be mad! I might as well just tell them I’m a potatoe! I got so used to these molds other people had created that I was in constant fear and questioned myself,  “Am I really a man? Sometimes I don’t mind the fact I have a vagina, does this mean I’m not actually trans?”

For someone who is not transgendered it is impossible to understand the feelings that come with being in the wrong body and the incredible persecution and suffering we face.  No matter what I say, no matter what I have to go through,  there will be people who refuse to believe that my feelings are real. But, now that I’m 24, I know that it’s not a phase at all. A phase doesn’t last for 12 years and more. It just can’t be. I know who I am. I know I’m a guy. And I know that’s just on the inside for now. It will change on the outside as well. It’s just a matter of time. It’s time to be true to myself, and to show the world the real me.
That being said, I would like to take the oppurtunity to thank the following people, for giving me lots of advice, and just being there for me. You guys have helped me with coming out to my boyfriend and parents, which to me was the most difficult thing to do in my life.

- Velvetbat: You were the very first person to have ever know about my transgender identity. Your coming-out as neutrois has given me alot of courage to finally take the step to be myself. When I needed advice about how I could come out, you were always there to help me and give me tips. I owe you alot! ♥

- Minimiran: You also gave me alot of advice and tips, and you were there for me when I felt really bad, and we just talked. You cheered me up and also because of you I found the courage to tell my boyfriend. Thank you so much dear! ♥

- Robert: Thank you so much for still being a dear friend to me. You have helped me to go through. Because of you I felt confident enough to tell my parents. You truly are a good friend. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ♥

- My partner: We are together for 5 years, and had good times and bad times. But no matter what we still were together and supported each other. Telling you was very hard, because of the fear of losing you. I’m very thankfull that we’re still together, and will be together, no matter how I will change in the future. I love you with whole my heart. ♥

- My parents: Telling you was the hardest thing ever, but deep in my heart I knew you both would want to see me happy. Happiness is the most important thing, next to health. I’m gratefull with the positive reactions, and the support. ♥ I love you guys, and couldn’t wish for better parents.
I can just go on and on about this subject, for as a coming-out I think this is enough information for now. I will most likely talk about transgender subjects in the future, because I have alot more things to say about it. Think of lolita fashion, surgery, different name,pronouns, etc.

I want to thank you all for reading this, and I hope you will all accept me for who I am.
For the ones that don’t and think I’m weird or whatever; I don’t care. It’s time to think about myself for once, and be me.
And really, it’s just the outside that will change. The inside is still very much the same! ♥
Here are some terms you might want to know more about:
Transsexual: 1. a person who is/will/would transition/ing from one sex to another;
2. Someone who is medically transitioning, usually within the biological sex binary,
although some intersexed people will transition to a binary biological sex,
and some people will transition to non binary genders, such as neutrois.Transgender: 1. umbrella term for a person whose gender and sex do not match up;
2. specifically an MtF (male to female) or FtM (female to male) transgender person;
3. MtF or FtM who lives openly but without any surgical transition (as opposed to transsexual)

4 thoughts on “Being transgendered

  1. Marijke Tinus -

    Hi there..

    Don’t now.if you remember me that well but we were friends in high school ..:)
    I just wanted to say that I have read everything sow far and I am proud of you for being how you ate. And for telling people to just fuck off of that can’t deal with that fact ..
    Be whomever you want to be and remeber that its the inside that really.matters and thaylt part has always been pure ..
    Greeting marijke

    1. King_Chaos -


      Of course I still remember who you are!
      Thank you so much for your message, it’s great to hear that :D
      I hope you’re doing well, it has been such a long time ago!

  2. Leander -

    Wow, very courageous and brave of you to share your story, Damien! And for being true to yourself and for becoming the person you truly are!! Kudos for you!! :D I’ve been browsing through your site too *nieuwsgierig* LOL. I love your tattoos!! I have only three tattoos on my body, but secretly I do fantasize having my body fully covered with tattoos, except my face ofcourse LOL. But I don’t think I ever will. So I will just stick to admiring others who do have their body’s covered with ink :) Keep on blogging and expressing yourself!! :)

    1. King_Chaos -

      Thank you for your comment! It was a difficult decision, but in the end it was worth it to share ^_^
      I love tattoos so much, it’s really addicting..If I finish my sleeve, I still have tons of ideas in mind that I want to get tattooed.
      Oh the choices, the choices! You need to keep blogging as well, I should comment more often, I’m such a lurker on blogs :p


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